So say you have to compete for funding for conferences. You know your friends compete with you. You get most of the funding you ask for. Do you mention this when people are talking? Do you hide it?
I ask because I have been very fortunate with funding — maybe. Last year, I got funding for one conference where I didn’t present (but a major conference in my field), and one where I presented twice. This year, they found money for me to go to one conference where I’m presenting and chairing a different panel, and a prestigious conference where I’m giving a paper. Next year, I’m putting in for two conferences and a subvention. I will probably get 2 out of three. That is more than most folks get (i think).
But … I am giving papers and presentations. I’m negotiating a contract for a publication that I may have to get out the door this summer. I’m behind on a couple of things, but I’ve also submitted one essay for publication and have the beginnings of a second book-length project. I am on an accelerated contract (and who knows, this may dry up after I go up for T&P). I taught an overload last semester and am teaching a summer course to pay for a research trip this summer. Last summer, I graded AP exams to offset research costs. I’m not as productive as I’d like, but I’m carrying my department’s enrollments (next is someone who teaches about 20% fewer students), have the most advisees, and as much or more committee work as anyone else (again, the service falls on the departmental women). I know that there are good reasons I get the support I get that have nothing to do with being my likeable self.
So why do I feel guilty about the support? Why do I feel I have to hide it from my friends and even my departmental colleagues? Well, apart from the fact that sometimes the reaction is, “well, I wish I had time to do all that!” I don’t have time. I’m juggling like a crazy person. I’m just not willing to give up something I’ve been working for for so long.